As a child, I always had horses in my life. I spent my days after school riding my horse down to the neighbors, doing play days on the weekends, trail riding in the canyon, or riding in the seller’s arena at local auctions. When I left for the military in my early twenties, I had a palomino paint named Indiana that remained at home.

When I returned several years later, she had spent too long as a lonely horse as part of a cattle herd. My son was less than a year old, and I wasn’t in any shape to reacquaint myself with her. Around that time, I met Laurie and her horse rescue. I started spending time out there at Dove Creek and soon after adopted a red mare, Spitfire, who reminded me how to be in a relationship with a horse. As I gained confidence with Spitfire, Indiana was invited to come for rehabilitation and retraining at DCER.

I learned so much about how to retrain ‘Indie’ using a much more effective, gentler, and conscious method. Through those months working with Spitfire and Indie, I became aware of the deep wounds of loss, abandonment, and rejection that I had been carrying. I had lost my two college roommates to a drunk driver, several comrades in the Army, as well as a divorce, and I had lost connection to myself.

We experience loss all the time, from the loss of a job, a home, a marriage, a dream, hopes, and desires, and the loss of pets, friendships, loved ones, and family. Some losses we even choose, while others are ripped from us without warning. No matter the loss, all can be painful.

Horses have taught me so much about grief. Thanks to Laurie and Dove Creek Equine Rescue, I have learned more about how to heal my heart, honor my pain, and be present to the deep grief I have carried so that I can find the light in the darkest times.

One of the assignments I was recommended by Laurie to do as a part of my healing journey was to write about the particular loss of my horse, Indiana. I have since found myself sharing my story, which I named “Wild Heart,” with others who are burdened with the broken heart of sadness.

So, I share it here now, over a decade after I wrote it, and I find this particular grief story to be one of victory now. It is a reminder of my capacity to deeply love and how fragile, precious, and beautiful life is. Grief is not meant to be a solitary suffering; rather, it is a journey that is meant to be shared within a compassionate community. What better place is there than with the Healing Herd.

Wild Heart

She wore an ancient coat, one that blended the palate of the red-earthed canyon lands. Her eyes could pierce straight through to your soul, and her presence was bold, powerful, and beautiful.

A horse is not just a horse, and Indiana (Indi for short) was not just a horse. She was a teacher, and she carried the medicine I needed to heal. Spiritual Teachers have the ability to remind us how to reconnect to that which may have been lost along the way.

The journey we traveled together was the path to my heart. Even when she was penned up, her wild and free Spirit could never be contained. Sometimes, I would spend hours just trying to make a connection with her. What was I missing? What was I doing wrong? Why was she rejecting me? She would wear me down to tears, and only then did she let me touch my hand to her nose for a few brief moments.

Finally, we were getting somewhere! No matter how hard I tried to figure it out with my head, she was showing me over and over again that my connection was not to her but through her, to my own heart, and my own soul. What a ride she took me on! Rejection, boundaries, trust, abandonment, and unconditional love; these were her lessons.

Her final death giveaway on my wedding day was the ultimate lesson. The surrender of her life is a reflection of the continuous death my ego must succumb to in order for me to truly connect with what I was seeking all along. How could I enter my new journey with my husband without an open heart?

I can still remember the wind blowing across my face as we raced across the plateau: free, powerful, magical, and ALIVE! Her beautiful, majestic, wild Spirit will always remain a part of me. She will forever be remembered by the souls that are liberated by the lessons of the heart, and I am so grateful for her gifts.

With Love,
Jennifer L., LBH Coach